Deep Point of Doubt
My son fell limp, his arms and legs flopping onto the mat. My husband and the coaches screamed at the referee, “He’s out! He’s unconscious!”
I jumped over the thin rope meant to keep people off the wrestling mat but froze in horror when my son’s body convulsed, his arms and legs twitching.
My heart tried to break out of my chest, but my shrill scream rammed it into my throat, where it stopped pumping blood to my extremities.
I’ve written traumatic scenes: characters being shot, knocked unconscious, even dying. I attempted to write them from a deep point of view with raw emotion, but living the reality felt surreal.
The wrestling match lasted less than thirty seconds, but the moments my son lay unconscious felt like I’d slipped on Frodo’s ring from The Lord of the Rings, where no one can see you, time slows, and background sounds and images become fuzzy. All I could do was stare at my son’s limp form.
My husband grabbed my shaking arm and locked eyes with me. “He’s going to be okay.”
Matthew’s dazed eyes opened, and his head snapped up. I should have been filled with relief and praising God, but he didn’t move any other part of his body. My mind turned to the worst possible scenario: he’s paralyzed.
My books often have themes about trusting God, but during that moment of sheer panic, I freaked out. I thought, We prayed for protection! Lord, You’ve got to do better than this.
It’s in moments of trial that our true selves can be revealed, and I didn’t like what I saw in myself. God is God, and I am not. As Matty moved to a seated position, I quickly repented of my errant thought. I felt like the father crying out to Jesus, “I do believe, help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:23-25)
Matthew had gotten caught in a headlock. When he started to pull out of it, the other wrestler panicked and tightened the hold, illegally choking my son unconscious. The trainer rushed over and helped Matty to a stand. He was so out of it, he didn’t even answer the question of what day it was correctly. After a few minutes, he came over and gave me a hug. He was shaken, but he was alive and well.
The referee, who’d had a bad angle, called the pin before realizing Matty was passed out, and despite the coach's protest, wouldn’t reverse the call. But God worked that to Matthew’s advantage. If the pin hadn’t stood, Matty would have had to either finish the match in a disoriented state or he would have had to medically forfeit and be out of the States tournament. Instead, he had over an hour to recuperate before his next match. My husband took him for a walk outside to clear his head and give him a pep talk. Matty was so moved by his dad’s heart-to-heart motivational talk that he wrote it into his college scholarship essays. While they walked, God poured scripture into me that I repeated over and over the rest of the day. And, since Matty won the next three matches, I continued to pray those scriptures into day two of the tournament.
These are the verses that became my lifeline:
My Grace is sufficient because My power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Cor 12:19.
Do not fear for I am with you… I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10.
No evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your home. For He will order His angels to protect you wherever you go. Psalm 91:10-11.
If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:31.
Matthew battled back and took third at States, the highest he could go, after losing the first match due to being choked out. His teammates rallied around him and cheered him on during his matches. Parents and other wrestlers stopped my husband and me to say they heard what happened and were inspired by Matthew’s attitude. Matthew left the tournament stronger in character and with a tale he can proudly tell his children.
I still felt remorse over my initial reaction, lashing out at God. But God is so good. He showed me how Moses is listed in chapter eleven of Hebrews, also known as the “Hall of Faith.” Moses had a passion to help his people, but he doubted God and took matters into his own hands, killing an Egyptian. Moses had a great comeback, though. The more Moses obeyed and trusted God, the more God accomplished through Moses, things that Moses couldn’t do in his own strength.
God turned my Deep Point of Doubt into a Deep Point of View from God’s better perspective.
Where is God working you through your moments of doubt?