Pain Patterns
One fascinating part of writing is learning to develop characterization. Delving into our characters teaches writers about ourselves, but also about how others behave and how everyone has their own backstory that seeps into their present behavior.
Author Sarah Hanks discusses the Stronghold cycle, in which a negative event leads a person to internalize an untruth about themselves (or a lie from the enemy). The person uses a defense mechanism for protection, prompting others to react to their behavior, which in turn leads to a second negative event that reinforces the lie. Then the cycle repeats.
For example, a character of mine might go to a ball at the start of the Season, hoping to make new friends and find a husband. The host and other guests are already engaged in conversations, and she feels out of place. A voice in her head whispers that she doesn’t belong, so she seeks the safety of the retiring room (bathroom) and lingers (or in modern day takes out her phone and pretends to look busy). The guests see her, but she looks preoccupied, so they don’t say ‘hello.’ Discouraged, the young lady slips out early. Come time for the next ball, she either declines the invitation or the young lady arrives late to avoid the awkwardness. A few guests see her, but by the way she’s slipping in late and leaving early, they assume she’s a wallflower or a bit too high in the step, so they don’t bother to strike up a conversation, reinforcing her feelings that she doesn’t belong.
Behavior expert Chase Hughes has made me see abrasive people differently with his rule of concealment. People who sling insults aren’t typically doing it out of ego or conceit. He claims they are laying down a boundary to hide their greatest fear from others. They lash out and judge others to hide what they can’t afford others to see in themselves. If they can accuse someone else of their greatest fear, then they can’t be accused of it themselves. The idea is to hurt someone before they wound them.
An example would be The Dominator: someone who holds a commanding presence, takes pride in their physical strength, and appears confident (even if it’s feigned). They’re likely to call someone a weak, wimp, coward, pansy, loser, or mama’s boy because often someone has made them feel unsafe, weak, or humiliated in their past. If they can make another person fear them, then they will likely distance themselves, creating a boundary for the Dominator to stay safe behind.
Another example is The Achiever: someone with a lot of ambition, who’s capable, and often a perfectionist. They’re likely to call someone who threatens them lazy, incompetent, or a slacker, because they’re afraid of someone thinking they’re a failure. Someone in their past caused them to feel not enough, and now they’re afraid to be judged as lacking, so they push themselves to the point of collapse. One mistake could destroy their self-worth.
Saul is a good Biblical example of someone who didn’t feel qualified. He hid when the Israelites called for him to be king, and he was wracked with jealousy over his people singing about David’s successes in battle. He believed the lie that he wasn’t enough and even sought a medium’s help out of his fear of failing in battle, rather than seeking God’s truth.
The Old Testament has example after example of the pain pattern of the sin-exile-return cycle. It’s a testament to God’s grace and mercy and why we need a Savior to redeem us. The only way to stop the pain pattern is to seek God and hear His truth.
If you fear the unknown – God has plans for you, to give you hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:13).
If you fear being forgettable – Remember that while a mother may forget the baby at her breast, God will never forget you (Isaiah 49:15)
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If you fear you’re not enough – God says that His grace is sufficient and that His power is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).
If you fear being disposable – God says you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession (1Peter 2:9).
If you fear being seen as weak – God says that even though our flesh may fail, God is the strength of our heart (Psalm 73:26). He gives strength to the weary and increases the power to the weak (Isaiah 40:29) And once again, His power is made perfect in weakness.
If you fear being seen because being visible leads to harm – God says that He is your hiding place (Psalm 32:7), under His wings you will find protection (Psalm 91). He’ll send his angels to encamp around those who fear Him and He will deliver you (Psalm 34:7). He will establish you and guard you against the evil one (2 Thessalonians 3:3).
Pain patterns go to show that we aren’t fighting against flesh and blood but against spiritual forces of evil. We don’t need to win every argument. Instead, ask God to give you His vision for grace and mercy because often bullies and argumentative people are afraid you’ll expose their deepest fear, and they’re fighting for their survival.
Please note that there are some exceptions. If you’re in an abusive relationship, get out and get help. National Domestic Abuse hotline 800-799-SAFE.